You have made it through 40 weeks of anxiety studded waiting. Your baby has finally arrived and you are itching to try out your newly acquired parenting skills. But before you tumble into the glory and pain of parenting, it would help if you knew more about some of the most common mistakes parents make while bringing up young children.

When you look into the innocent little faces looking up at you with nothing but wonder in their eyes, it is easy to believe that your toddler is all innocence. This is the first mistake new parents make. Young infants are quite perceptive when it comes to people and surroundings. That is why your child is able to recognize its mother even before they open their eyes. From the time your child is born, they are watching the world with avid eyes and internalizing everything they see. So, as parents everything that you say and do is picked up by your child. Your child is watching, you had better pull your socks up!

According to a recent internet survey, most young parents are becoming more and more dependent on ‘Howto’ books and expert columns to look after their kids. While some amount of expert counseling from experienced doctors and child experts can help you understand your child and your problems, depending too much on third-party advice can be counter-productive. As a parent, nature has endowed you with an important monitoring system that helps you take the right decisions for your children: this is your inner radar or instinct, as we call it. It is important to tune in to your instinct and take independent decisions based on your observation, the individuality of your child and the circumstances. No guide or expert column can give you a customized solution for your problems. You learn as you go.

Proactive parenting is another skill that most parents need to learn as their child grows. Parents often complain that their young children refuse to do as they are told. This kind of behavior can begin right from the time your child is a toddler and continue into his late teens. Therefore, it pays to equip yourself with the know-how to avoid this confrontational attitude. The secret is to guide your child to acceptable behavior through positive persuasion, instead of forcing them towards it through the fear of punishment. For example, if your child throws a tantrum when you go shopping, it would be advisable to speak to your child before you leave home and explain to him that he will not get anything if he makes a scene but that you will buy him a candy if he allows you to shop peacefully. Reward, not punishment, should be the motivating force.

It is said that the few people who know perfect parenting are those with no children of their own. Parenting is a continuous learning process. And it is quite natural for parents to make mistakes. After all, we are all human. But it is important to understand your mistakes and rectify them in time so that you can have a rich and rewarding relationship with your child.

Separated parents may take issue with each other if there are any differences in parenting style, expectations or structure.

However, while consistency of parenting style, expectations and structure are helpful they are not rigidly required. Even among intact families there can be remarkable differences between the parents yet the children are not harmed by the experience. Other evidence that children are not necessarily harmed by differences in style, expectations or structure comes by looking at the normal course of children’s lives in areas other than home life.

When not at home, children may be subject to the care of alternate care providers, schoolteachers, baby sitters, coaches and instructors. Suffice it to say; virtually all children learn to differentiate the styles, expectations and structures imposed by all these different people and situations and thrive. Hence children learn to run during soccer, yet walk on the deck at the swimming pool. Whereas in one class they may be required to sit quietly, in another they may be allowed to ask questions directly of the teacher. Therefore different teachers will impose a variety of expectations and children learn to differentiate between them and manage accordingly. The only way a problem would develop is if one teacher demands of the children that they follow the same rules in the other teacher’s class as their own.

As parental differences become known, some parents may seek to use these differences as cause for limiting the other parent’s relationship, influence or time with the child or may seek to impose their style, expectations and structure, or way of doing things on the other parent.

Parents need to appreciate they can have different styles, expectations and structure, as does virtually every teacher have their own way of managing a classroom. Assuming a parent’s behaviour is not lawless or abusive and the child progresses developmentally appropriately, different parental styles, expectations and structure can actually benefit the child as the child learns to adapt and manage a variety of situations.

With regard to child development, it is usually not parental differences that is harmful to children, but rather conflict between parents over their differences. Children can adapt to parents’ differences but being drawn into their conflict is distressing and distracting.

Parents who are distressed over their differences are advised to determine if the differences are truly significant or just irksome to themselves before raising objections. If the child is perturbed by parental differences and brings issue from one parent to the other, it can be advisable to redirect the child back to the other parent to discuss the issue directly. In so doing, the child learns to communicate their concerns directly and parents maintain a more appropriate boundary between themselves. This is in much the same way as one teacher wouldn’t take on the issues of another teacher, but would redirect the student to deal directly with the other teacher.

Given the opportunity most parents appreciate being able to manage their own relationship with their children without intrusion. If a parent looks unreasonable, it may be that they are just annoyed for having their style, expectations and structure dictated by the other parent. Parents are advised to be certain parental differences are truly problematic before taking issue. If unsure, parents are advised to consider obtaining guidance from a parenting expert with expertise working with separated parents.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

(905) 628-4847

gary@yoursocialworker.com
http://www.yoursocialworker.com

Even though we need a license to do many things in life — everything from driving and operating a forklift to practicing medicine and fishing — there is no license required to become a parent and this is often the trickiest of all of the above activities!

Parenting today is far more difficult than it was, even a generation ago. Many well-intentioned parents are using outdated and ineffective parenting styles. As a result, they experience daily frustration and stress in their home.

Below you will find my top 7 tips for good parenting. These tips inspire children to want to be well behaved, can reduce family fights and boost family joy.

Good Parenting Tip #1 – If you love your kids—put yourself first!

One of the best things we can do for our children is to give them a foundation for becoming a happy and healthy adult. Self-care should not be a luxury for parents—it needs to become a necessity. You need self-care both for being a good parent and a healthy and balanced human being. Far too many children are living with parents who are stressed out and frankly, not at all fun to be around. If you are repeatedly burning the midnight oil, you may be on the brink of parent burnout—not a pleasant thing for you or your family to experience.

Good Parenting Tip #2 – If married—put your marriage before your kids!

Most of us have heard of Generation X and Generation Y. But did you realize that Generation S—Generation Spoiled—is on the rise? Many children today are raised with an unhealthy sense of entitlement because their parents have made them the center of the universe. With divorce statistics still hovering around 50%, children are far too often coping with unhappy, failing marriages and divorce– much worse for them than missing out on a couple of toys or brand name jeans. Take a stand and put some time into your marriage (like go on a date night)—for your whole family’s sake!

Good Parenting Tip #3 – Cherish your children

No matter what your situation—no matter how often your children drive you crazy—know there are thousands of people in this world who would gladly trade places with you. There are couples who would give anything to just have a child. Strive to remember how truly fortunate you are. Hug your children at least three times a day. Regularly tell them how grateful you are to have the opportunity to be their parent.

Good Parenting Tip #4 – Teach your kids to fish—don’t fish for them!

Many parents do everything for their kids. This only robs their children of the opportunity to learn self-reliance—which is vital to building their self-esteem. One of the best things you can do is to help your kids learn how to do things for themselves. One of the chapters of my first book on effective parenting is called “How To Get Your Kids Doing Their Chores Smiling”. Some parents think I am from another planet when I even suggest that kids can learn to do chores with a smile on their face. These same doubting parents are often happily surprised when they see it is possible—in their own home and in this century! Household chores teach basic life skills everyone needs to know. Also, chores give children the opportunity to contribute to the household in a positive and meaningful way.

Good Parenting Tip #5 – Focus on what you like, not on what you don’t

If children aren’t being appreciated and aren’t getting attention for what they do well—and when they behave well—you better believe they will learn to get attention for not behaving well. The more you notice what you like about what they’re doing, the less likely they are to morph into destructive little terrors and the more likely you will inspire your child to repeat the good behaviors and achievements you love.

Good Parenting Tip #6 – Give respect and expect it in return

Don’t do anything to your child that you wouldn’t want your child to do to you. The list of things you don’t want to be doing includes: yelling, hitting, spitting, and put downs. There are far better ways for you to handle conflict, stress and common misbehaviors. Commit to learning these “Ultimate Parenting” tools that are based on mutual respect—not fear based punishment that only teaches our kids to not get caught next time!

Good Parenting Tip #7 – A family that plays together stays together!

Have fun—play with your kids. Laughing, tickling, and enjoying one another’s company is the foundation of a happy home. Having fun can go a long way towards preventing much of the needless conflict and behaviors that drive you crazy. It also provides your family with much needed quality time.

These seven effective parenting tips above are child-proofed, effective and fun. By taking the time to learn how to bring out the best in you and in your children, you will reap the rewards that come from the peace of mind—knowing that you did all you could to support and nurture a happy and healthy family life.

Parenting in itself is a challenging task. Sometimes we can shift from one parenting tip to another and still have trouble with some aspects of parenting. Parenting becomes even more challenging when one is the parent of a gifted child. What kind of a parenting tip can a parent resort to in such a case? Sometimes raising a gifted child may also require a special parenting tip of some sort.

Recognize Giftedness

It’s true. Most parents want to believe that their kids are gifted in some way. While it may be true that different kids have different talents and intelligences, there are simply some kids who are way over the top. The foremost parenting tip is to recognize if your child is truly gifted. Attached to this parenting tip is the parenting tip on looking for the common signs. Your child may be gifted if he can finish work exceedingly faster than his peers. He may also be able to read and understand material that is not intended for his age. Your gifted child may also exhibit above average abilities in the arts or other fields.

Ask for Help

This is not necessarily next to the parenting tip of recognition. This however, may be a helpful parenting tip for parents who are unsure how to proceed or who have gifted children who are unusually difficult to handle emotionally. A suggested parenting tip is to have your child tested by professionals. You may also ask for special assistance from school counselors or ask them to recommend special ways to help your child.

Unconditional Love

Probably one key parenting tip to ensure that your gifted child grows up well adjusted is to communicate unconditional love and acceptance. You should communicate with your child and tell him that you love him for who he is and not because he can perform well in school or because he does things perfectly. While it is also a good parenting tip to show appreciation and praise for achievement, make sure that you tell your kid that you would still love him anyway even if he didn’t get a perfect score or an honor ribbon.

Reality Check

A related parenting tip to unconditional love is making sure that your child knows that not everything can be perfect at all times. This is a crucial parenting tip because gifted children may easily get frustrated as grown ups when things don’t always go their way.

Variety of Learning Experiences

One good parenting tip involves diversity. Gifted children may easily get bored over something they’ve easily mastered. Introduce a variety of topics and learning experiences. This will give you the chance to discover his strong points of interest and keep his learning topics at a healthy balance. Part of this parenting tip is to also school your child on social matters. It may be well and good to let him watch various educational books and CDs but consider letting him join play groups. Let him socialize with other kids.

Do Not Overload

While is a good parenting tip to offer various learning experiences, it is also important not to overdo it. You may have enrolled your child in violin classes, swimming lessons, advanced math classes, reading group and a variety of other classes. You might also just be treating a child like an adult with so many responsibilities. We all know it’s not pleasant to be overloaded so go easy on your kid. Remember, your child is still essentially a child so let him enjoy a little play and childish relaxation.

A parent, whether single or with a partner, is often blamed for anything that goes wrong with their children. Blame for the perceived wrongdoings of our children is probably one of the hardest burdens that we as parents have to carry.

The truth is that parents these days are time poor and their children are, more than ever before, influenced by many powerful outside sources. Most parents are doing the best they can with the knowledge they have. For the majority of people, this knowledge is based on how they were parented themselves. But times have changed, what worked for their parents and for them as children may not work now for their own families. Many people find that relying on what they learned from their own experience isn’t sufficient.

With just about everything that we do in life, we learn from our ‘mistakes’. Some of our mistakes are easy to move on from, others can last a lifetime and cause untold heartache.

Most people are born with parental instincts so parenting does come naturally to a certain extent. But who among us can say that they have not made mistakes? The evidence of some of our hasty parenting decisions can be in the form of defiant, uncommunicative or sullen children and teenagers, and these mistakes are not easy to live with.

Is there a better way? Yes, there is. Learning to become an effective parent can save a great deal of heartache.

Effective parenting is a learned skill and like just about everything else that we do, the more we practice effective parenting techniques, the better and more effective we become at parenting.

Effective parenting training gives us a better understanding of the complexities of our family, the pressures that our children face in the modern school setting, and the added pressure from part time work that many young people experience. It teaches us how to listen, understand and communicate with our children so that we do not make things worse, whilst still understanding that every child, family and situation is unique.

Can effective parenting training (EPT) help?

In short, effective parenting training takes some of the guess work out of parenting and provides strategies and tools that can be used to create a more harmonious home. If things are pretty good at home, proactive parenting is even better.

* EPT gives parents the opportunity to stop and look at their home situation from a different perspective. What were your goals when you started your family? EPT is a big step towards achieving those goals.

* EPT can help parents identify if they are working with or against each other. How do they reach consensus?

* EPT provides guidelines for putting things into order at home – creating a ‘bottom line’, revisiting values and establishing rules, boundaries and consequences. This step alone is critical. Too many rules become unworkable but rules and boundaries provide a baseline for the whole family and a structure with foundations for feeling safe with everyone knowing what is expected of them.

* Rules, boundaries and structure are meaningless to children and teenagers without loving, sincere and effective communication. EPT will teach parents how to listen and communicate effectively rather than inflaming situations.

* EPT will assist parents in understanding what their children need to experience in order to feel loved. Most parents do try to show their love but do not understand that what is perceived as love to one person may be quite different to another.

* Parents will understand how their children learn. Once again, because we are unique individuals, we all learn differently. This understanding can provide the parent untold and unique opportunities to help their children gain confidence at school.

With these tools and a firmer foundation upon which to move their families forward in a positive direction, parents and their children will feel empowered.

Children are resilient and forgiving and they do want to feel the love their parents have for them. It is essential for their growth into healthy young adults. Where there has been continuing conflict you can be pretty sure that some of those loving feelings have been lost. They can be reestablished. There has to be at least one ‘adult’ in a situation to turn things around; someone who is willing to take the responsibility to get things moving in the right direction.

Beginning parents will probably have a good understanding of some of the pitfalls in modern parenting – prevention is so much better than any cure.

The New Year is a time for forward planning. It is a wonderful opportunity annually to take stock of where your children are in their development and to think of what you, as a parent may need, to keep up with change as your child grows and matures. What changes have you noticed in your children over the last year? Is there something your children are doing that is challenging for you to deal with? Is there a parenting skill you would just like to know a bit more about?

Here are seven ideas to think about to enrich your parenting in the coming year, beginning with easy immediate things you can do, through to more intensive approaches, which can lead to meaningful and lasting change in your relationship with your child.

1. Read a parenting book or two this year. Read about issues that are relevant to you and your child or simply soak up information about the age-group of your child so you are prepared for the changes ahead.

2. Do some research on the internet. Government agencies often have terrific websites for parents including free downloadable tip sheets that can be very helpful. Other websites can be helpful too – but always be careful to check the authenticity of the site and its information.

3. Talk to your friends about parenting and your children’s behaviours. This might seem a little obvious but it is a great way to understand whether your children are exhibiting normal behaviour for their age and to hear how other parents deal with it. This is something that mothers tend to do more than dads, so if you are a dad talk with your mates about what being a parent is like for you. It can be very reassuring to hear similar stories from other parents.

4. Join a support group. If your child has a particular special need, a support group can be very encouraging, while keeping you up to date with latest research and developments.

5. Attend some parent education classes. These classes offer interesting and up to date information about children or teenagers, particular parenting issues and how to handle them. Group workshops also have the advantage of parents linking in with other parents. This often allows parents to appreciate that what they are experiencing is normal.

6. Attend some parent-coaching workshops. Parent-coaching allows even deeper change for the parent because parents are encouraged to look at their way of being with their children and to make individual change for closer relationships. The best coaches ask really thought provoking questions and allow the parent to come up with their own solutions. Like parent education workshops, parent-coaching workshops also have the advantage of connecting parents with other parents.

7. Have some individual parent-coaching. This is a powerful way to make deep and lasting change in your relationship with your child. Coaching can be offered face to face or over the phone, which is a wonderful option for busy modern day parents.

Whether you try one of these seven options or other ideas you may have to benefit your parenting; there will be two winners in 2009: you and your children.

All the best for your parenting in 2009. May it be a year where you continue to learn and grow in your ever changing and vitally important role.

Parenthood is a feeling of completeness. It is a thread woven of memories. Memories of happy and sad times, of pain and of joy. Parenthood is a continuous activity, it is a process in itself. Parenthood process is irreversible. We all take birth, grow up, grow old and finally find peace in God. This is a human life cycle, which cannot be altered, so is parenting process. Once a parent, is a parent forever. Parenting process helps evolve a person, as a child, as a parent and above all as a human being. Parenting process affects our personality, our attitude towards life over time and throughout the course of the life cycle.

The process of evolving in parenthood, becoming a parent is a gratifying and pleasing experience but also very demanding and nerve-racking. We would request and suggest that parenting process is the right time to greet and embrace the change of a lifetime.

Someone, very rightly said, it is tough to understand the parenting process unless you become a parent yourselves.

As a new member of parenting process, the new parent must understand the significance of a mother and a father in the life of your child. It is usually assumed that a mother plays most important role in parenting process. But, to completely neglect a fathers position in parenting process is not right. An affectionate, time devoting father, who participates in the child’s daily activities, help shape up the child’s personality in a manner which mother cannot do. This paternal element of closeness in parenting process helps develop the child emotionally as well as mentally. Parenting process, thus emphasizes that love of both the parents is a healthy and healing experience for the child. We would suggest that if the child is considered to be fruit of parenting process, mother and father are the roots of parenting process.

A very important understanding and learning of parenting process is that, as a parent you are always at the giving side of the relation. Parenting process states that you should not expect returns from your children. To give all your love and support to your child, is an eternal element of parenting process.

The other important key factor of parenting process is that the parent must learn a fact that children learn what they see. As a parent you must preach only what you proclaim, you yourselves know. Children are a mirror of what they see. So being a parent, as a learning of parenting process, parent must not introduce children to tension, confusion in life or any sort of harsh or fight behavior, at least through the family. Children replicate what they see, so mark your actions and words; this is the base of parenting process.

At the crux of parenting process, be positive in your attitude, and your child will follow. Be hopeful, full of energy and life, accept challenges, strive to achieve the perfection, this way the parenting process will help shape-up the personality and identity of your child.

10 parenting tips that all parents should implement every day to improve their family’s life and make it easier.

Parenting tip 1

Good parenting is remembering to tell your child you love them and not stopping – even when they so tall that they can look down on you. Do this regardless of how they behave because although you may not like his behavior you do love him.

Parenting tip 2

Speak words of affirmation to your child each day and as soon as they are old enough encourage them to speak these out to themselves. This will help you raise a more positive child which improves family life.

Parenting tip 3

Improve your parenting skills be encourage your child’s independence and tell him what he can do it, rather than what he can’t do. It can often seem quicker to do things for your child but instead leave enough so you child can learn and become more independent

Parenting tip 4

Spend time listening and talking to each child individually, this is the greatest investment you can make in your child’s life. It’s the best way to show them that you love them

Parenting tip 5

Tell you child what you want them to do not what you don’t want them to do. Using this positive parenting method is much more effect and gets the desired results much quicker. Parents if you don’t want your child to leave their clothes on the floor then say ” Please hang your clothes up” instead of “don’t leave your clothes on the floor.”

Parenting tip 6

Give yourself the space to make mistakes you will never be the perfect parent they don’t really exist. You will make mistakes, don’t worry, forgive yourself and learn.

Parenting tip 7

This is parenting advice. Do at least one fun or relaxing thing every day for yourself, this will help to keep you sane and give you a more enjoyable day.

Parenting tip 8

Set up situations daily that will allow your child to make choices, this helps him develop independence and can save you both many arguments. Children as young as 18 months can be given an opportunity to choose.

Parenting tip 9

Keep your boundaries and discipline strategies consistent even if you’re tired. A quick fix today often leads to more problems in the future.

Parenting tip 10

Keep in mind that your child will learn more by example than by what you say so set your child the best examples possible in everything.

Don’t just read these parenting tips put them into practice. Good parenting involves action.

Parenting is the toughest, most important job most people will ever encounter and yet there is no license required, no training required, and no 24/7 hotline. This is rather short-sighted on the part of society as the cost of bad parenting is immense, but in truth the situation is not as dire as it seems. While no training is required for new parents, it is very easy for parents to learn the ways and means of good parents as well as the traps and pitfalls of bad parents. All it takes for parents to learn more about parenting is to watch, listen, and learn.

Watching is a key element to learning more about parenting. Watch the parents around you and you can learn all sorts of lessons about how to interact with your child, how to discipline your child, and how to teach your child. Almost everywhere you take your child there will be other parents and their children. Watching means observing but also listening. Hear the tone of voice as well as the words those parents use. Some parents use the right words but their tone and physical manner contradicts those words. Watch the children to note their response. Some children respond more readily to their parents. Why? What is different about that parent-child relationship? What can you take away for your own parent-child relationship?

Listen to advice. You don’t need to take every piece of advice that is offered to you. After all, there are many people who are free with advice and yet have clearly demonstrated they are in no position to offer it. However, there is often some really good advice shared by people you know and trust as well as good advice offered by passing strangers in the supermarket checkout line or in the stands at a soccer game. Be a sponge. Keep your ears open. You don’t have to take that advice but keeping your options open gives you the chance to sort out the jewels and benefit from them.

Be an active learner. Seek out information when you face a parenting challenge. Perhaps your child is acting out in a new way and your old discipline technique isn’t working. Search the internet, flip through parenting books, and ask some experts in your circle of friends. Sometimes great advice will come to you but other times you will need to seek it out. The more proactive you are about finding solutions to your parenting problems then the better parent you will become.

Parenting is a challenging job, no question about it, but it also comes with wonderful built-in rewards. Some times parents are forced to take a tough unpopular stand but in the end good parenting comes with its own rewards. Those rewards include a happy, successful child and a warm, loving relationship that will extend long past childhood and span the rest of your life. So who needs special training. If you watch, listen, and learn then you can be the parent you want to be and your child deserves.

Want to successfully raise your children after divorce? Communication is a must! Though many divorcing couples would like nothing better than to sever ties, former spouses do become co parents. And clearly some co parenting situations are stressful. The negotiation process, which may have failed during the marriage, is dissolved. Many of the responsibilities of the past are gone with the onset of divorce; however, one remains. Co parenting your children is an ongoing, life-long job.

After divorce, parents sometimes feel free to express themselves and make individual parenting choices. This parenting isolation, however, puts children in a difficult situation. Children who are raised in two homes with two distinctive styles can become confused and emotionally unsettled. Parents need to remain in contact, which isn’t so easy if parents don’t like each other. At times, recommending contact is like forcing a child to eat broccoli.

Many therapists recommend email communication for co parents. Writing an email can be non-threatening— if done properly. “Properly” is the key word here. I have spent years being copied on emails that frankly shocked me. Thus, to co-parent properly via email, parents can use a format that I call Kid News. Here’s what it might look like:

Kid News

• School: Grades, homework, incidents at school, forms that need to be filled out etc.
• Health:   Colds, doctors’ appointments, dentist, counseling, moods, puberty etc.
• Financial: Payments due or parenting plan division of costs for activities, medical etc.
• Schedule Changes: Upcoming changes to the current schedule, changes in your child’s plans, residential and holiday times etc.
• Vacations: Clarification of times and plans – phone numbers etc.
• Upcoming Events: Social, school, extracurricular or sport activities in which your child has expressed an interest.

Each family will have different items in their “Kid News.” Issues can be added as they arise. There are, however, two things to keep in mind. Firstly, children do best when they travel home to home rather than planet to planet. That is to say, that a consistent daily schedule is important. For instance, if while at mom’s home the child does his homework right after school, it is best if he does his homework after school at dad’s house too. If the schedule can be kept as consistent as possible, then the children will flow from one home to the other with ease.

Secondly, children have moods, develop phobias, and change developmentally rather quickly. “Kids News” can be a place to share concerns or observed changes. Finally, it is important to note that this is not the forum to discuss issues between parents. A line must be drawn between your personal relationship and your co-parenting responsibilities.

To make this work, parents pick a day to send their news based on the parenting plan schedule. If you drop off the children to their other home on Sunday night, send the Kid News on Monday. Write the newsletter using only the facts: “David had a cold this weekend. He rested and seems to be doing fine now.” Or “Julie gave me a form for school pictures. I copied it and put the form back in her backpack.” And be sure not to give instructions to the other parent like, “Make sure you give David his cough syrup at night.” You can say, “He slept well when he was given cough syrup at night.” Co parents must realize their range of influence over the other parent is limited. In my experience most parent-to-parent challenges are due to the desire for control over the other parent.

Both parents need to send news from their personal perspective and experience with the children. Always respond to the other parent’s news. Check through each item to see if a response is needed and, if not, thank the other parent for the effort. This will limit needless email contact. Finally, if you are the parent who is interested in Kid News and the other is not, continue to write. The other parent’s behavior should not influence the way you do your job.

Copyright 2008 Parent Education Group – Reprints Accepted – Two links must be active in the bio. The article homepage: http://www.familyauthority.com/articles/divorce_support.html